Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable: Asking if Someone is Suicidal Can Save a Life
If you’ve ever worried that a loved one might be thinking about suicide, you’ve probably also felt the discomfort of wondering whether you should ask.
You’re not alone. Asking someone if they’re suicidal can feel scary and overwhelming—but it can also save a life.
Why It’s So Hard to Ask
Many of us grew up in homes or communities where mental health wasn’t openly discussed. Expressing painful emotions—or admitting we were struggling—was often seen as “too much” or “inappropriate.”
When mental health struggles are seen as shameful, it creates huge barriers to suicide prevention.
People who are struggling may not reach out for help.
And even when we are worried about someone, we may hesitate to ask the hard question:
“Are you thinking about suicide?”
Avoidance is Human—But It Gets in the Way
As humans, we’re wired to avoid what feels scary or uncomfortable. That instinct helps us survive in dangerous situations—but in this case, it can prevent us from helping someone we care about.
When we recognize the urge to avoid, we can choose differently. We can name our discomfort, acknowledge our fear, and still decide to ask the question.
How to Build Comfort Asking the Question
Like any skill, comfort grows with practice. You can:
✅ Imagine yourself asking calmly and compassionately—picture the person thanking you for your care.
✅ Role-play with a friend or colleague to rehearse what you’d say and how you’d respond.
✅ Learn active listening, empathy, and distress tolerance skills—all of which make it easier to sit with someone else’s pain.
Distress tolerance means calming your own nervous system (deep breathing, grounding, etc.).
Active listening means focusing on understanding, not just fixing or problem-solving.
Empathy means trying to understand someone’s feelings from their perspective.
You Don’t Need All the Answers
You don’t have to become a suicide prevention expert to make a difference.
If someone says “yes” when you ask about suicide, you can listen, thank them for trusting you, and connect them to support—whether that’s a crisis line, a counsellor, or emergency services if needed.
The Bottom Line
Asking someone if they’re suicidal doesn’t put the idea in their head—but it can give them a life-saving chance to open up.
If you’re worried about someone but feel unsure about what to say, call your local crisis line for guidance. They can walk you through how to help and connect you with resources in your area.
This post was written by Kirsten Boulier, MSW, RCSW, a counsellor and EMDR therapist in Maple Ridge, BC.